Even in Friendster, she changed her picture where she had fun at school, laughing and bluffing with her friends. I over her, I’d forgot about her.
My first day in my new school turned out great. With my socializing skill, in few days I’d make friends. Also, there were some students from my old school that had made my life easier there.
Compare to my old school that was cheaper, this new school is way bigger and better. Field, corridors and lockers are something I’d forgotten how it feels to use it. Many students are from different countries compare to my old school that was made up of mostly Koreans and Maldivians. This new school made up of Chinese from different countries and people from other countries in Europe, Africa, and America.
What I like the most is many Chinese girls study here. They are not just Chinese girls; they are what I usually call attractive. These girls made me forgot about her, although she is incomparable, I easily distracted myself.
In Friendster, I hardly typed her name in search engine anymore. I spent my time playing whole time for hours. If usually I typed all about her in my shoutout, and change describing me with what I feel about her, I leave it blank. Instead I wrote: MY NEW SCHOOL IS A JOYFUL PLACE TO BE.
She had gone out of my life.
Few weeks ago she asked me some simple questions that I hardly want to answer. In fact I almost didn’t reply, some reasons because I really into the new online game I play. It seems like a green lamp that I want to forget about her.
Last week, I visited her school. I actually was looking forward to see her. I’m so scared she’ll hate me. I want to know how she is; I want to know what I feel. Instead I felt glad not to see her because she was absent, there was a disappointing feeling, but mostly I was glad.
On the bottom line, it feels as if she never existed, and I feel glad.
In friendster, she asked me whether I went to her school, I checked that she is actually still connect with my little brother, and many other things that I still could survive with.
Now, she is just a girl I hardly know about whom I call my friend.
After my last visit, Andy, my frienemy, who lived near my old school, had been visiting few times a week when the new school had holiday. He was her close friend online. Sometimes I do wonder how is she, but later on I feel why do I have to care?
A lot lately, around this week, he keeps telling me how she still likes me; how she hasn’t forgotten about me.
Yet the same excuse or maybe I should say reason, I threw at him.
“I’m not there anymore. She should forget about me.”
And yet I know it’s true.
So last night, Andy told me that he was talking to her online few hours before talking about me. He told her about this fat girl who had been stalking me a lot lately. I didn’t really know what I felt; I just wonder how she reacts to that.
I didn’t even feel a thing.
He said she was laughing; yet I could imagine her laughed.
And again, Andy told me that he tried to tell her to forget about me. However she doesn’t want to. How more headstrong and dumb could she be? I’d moved on, can’t she see?
Again I told Andy through my messenger,
"Andy, tell her to forget about me. Can’t she see I had moved on? O.o"
“Sure. =/”
It was just a few minutes I found another chat window pop-up.
I was speechless yet I didn’t know what I feel. It’s just numb, only to see her name and picture, and what she had typed.
“I know you're not going to answer this, and I don’t mind...
But u have no right to make Andy told me to 4get about you.
You have right to forget bout me, but my feeling is my own.
You have no right for that.”
My heart thumped. How long it had been from the last time I feel this kind of feeling? I had forgotten how it feels to be guilty, to be hurts. Because I had hurt someone I should not have hurt.
What should I do to make her forget about me? What should I do to make her put her mind in the right place?
By now, she should have seen that I don’t care about her. In fact, I don’t care about anything and anyone but myself. However why can’t I stop caring about her?
Because I know, I used to try my best to make her liking me and falling for me. To make her can’t stop thinking about me.
Now, I do not know how to make her stop liking me; to make her stop thinking about me. The ropes are rolling down to fast from its fulcrum that even friction can’t stop it.
After few dots we sent to each other in that conversation, I can’t stop making myself to think, ‘she never likes me’. She’s the best choice, the best asset I could ever have. She changed my life and most importantly for the very first time make me realized that life is not just my own. She choose to put her life inside my life, she had make me think, that I should care not just about myself. And I started to care about her. Now that she’s not here anymore, I had forgot how to care not just about myself.
This love hurts me that I feel glad I could be separated from this love. I kept thinking, how is this love could be so hurting?
“You never have feeling for me anyways,”I typed.
Whatever she feels, she shouldn’t have denied that.
“You try to manipulate me… that won’t work for me...
I do like you no matter what.
And stop blaming stuff on me just because I keep saying all these are my faults.
I don’t mind you tell me you don’t like me or whatever."
“…
But”
“But you have no right for my own feeling."
She cut my sentence off.
Why can’t she stop doing this? It hurts to know that she should have forgotten about me. It hurts to know she suffered because of me. It hurts to know that it was my fault to make her stop liking me. Can’t she stop that?
Slowly, I typed.
“You still like me
…
Don’t”
Do I have to beg to make her forget about me? What do I have to do to make her stop having feeling for me? I don’t want her to suffer because of me. Can’t she understand that? Please. Forget me. Start new beginning like I do. Can’t she do that?
“If I were you, I’ll stop liking me.”
“If you were me,
You’re not me.”
I just laughed. No wonder she’s the best and smartest in class. She knows what to say; she knows how to turn this conversation around. What does she want from me?
She typed,
“I already know the answer that you forget me completely… and I don’t mind.”
Sometimes I just want to type, “YES, I ALREADY FORGET ABOUT YOU!”, so that she would forget about me.
But I don’t want her to be sad; I don’t want her to cry. I don’t want her to suffered more after I had done.
“….
Not exactly
I’m just trying to move forward and don’t look back.
And start a new beginning.
But remember I promise you.
That when I broke up
We will still be friends.”
For the first time, I could type what I feel. What she wants to know, what I had hide. And what I had typed is the only promise I could ever keep.
Of all promise I told her, none of it I can’t keep, and I don’t want to break another one. Something that I wished I could do. This is the only promise that I know inside of me I WANT TO KEEP. I must, and the only promise that reminds me of her. The promise I don’t want to break, because this is also what I want.
“I know u never see me as you friend... I don’t want you to just tell everyone I’m your friend.
I want u to treat me like one…”
Yet I’m speechless. Am I that bad to her? I know I’m scared to like her again, and I see the line we’re not together. How do I have to treat her like a friend? I don’t know.
“I should have never said yes to u, though I like u”
“Your choice”I typed.
She regretted everything. I know she does. Yet it hurts me to know she regrets. I don’t regret being with her. I never do, never will.
“Yes… and I’d been regretting it if I know that how weird you will react after we broke up.”
Weird? Now she calls me weird? Why would she ever be with me if I am weird then? Huh? I started to get pissed.
“Now you call me weird?”
“You’d been running away from me…
I’d never mean to call u that.
Anyway I always wonder what is your problem wit that word because I used it to call myself??
and why we always argue every time we chatted?
All this questions are just going around my head!!!”
She’s right. I always get pissed around her. I always do. I am always being rude in front of her. I just keep imagining her with someone else, and I can’t take it anymore. However I have no idea why we always argue?
“...
Well,
I don’t know”
She typed what had happened to her at school. How she suffered now that everyone talking about us. Yet, I don’t know why I think this is just her plan to make me suffer. She knows how she meant for me and her plot wouldn’t work for me.
I signed out. Leave the messenger close the window. How rude can I be more?
It hurts me, but I don’t think this hurt her more than it hurts me. However, if ever imagine her, crying or suffering because of me. It hurts me more than ever.
She’s strong, I know, that is why she can type all those things to me. However in the inside, I could see that she’s really weepy and could cry any time. She’s been crying in front of me, yet I never know what to do. How is this tingle connection problem always bothering me?
Every time her name comes, all I could ever imagine was our last meeting. When we cuddled for 3 hours, feeling each other heartbeat, caress each other skin.
3 hours imagining I could just grasped her and kiss her. 3 hours imagining I could do this with her everyday if we ever get married. 3 hours feeling awesome to feel the way her movement make my mind blur.
3 hours. Ending up with a big hug, and a kiss on my cheek. Then her sweet voice said, “bye” to me.
2 months 5 days I had promised her a lot of things, yet I broke it. I lied to her 8 times and had been going, until I feel hurts if I ever have to count again.
All the promise I told her that I should have done by now. As far as I could go, only one promise I could keep; yet I can’t. Try to keep still friends with her.
I promise her that I would miss her forever, I promise her that I would still keep an eye on her though I moved already, I promise her that I love her forever, I promise her to kiss her before she ever kiss me and I promise her to never forgot about her.
Yet now I stand, in a new school, searching for the next girlfriend that I could love as much as I ever love her.
Yet now I stand, trying to forget about her, trying to never care about her as if she never exist in my life. Never missing her ever since many girls come to my life, and do not want to know what happen to her in my old school. And I’m regretting yet glad never kiss her.
Forever is over, in here.
Last night, I dreamt her on top of chest like last time, cuddling with me for another hours. I really want to just hug her tight never let go, and do all those things I had promised to her. Yet I can’t.
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